The Internet

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The Internet was invented in 1996 by Tim Barnes-Wallace (also the inventor of the Bouncing Bomb) as a way of sharing pictures of his cat 'Tiddles' with other scientists working on the Large Hadron Colander at CERN.

HTML - Origins

Barnes-Wallace's cat 'Tiddles' was extremely active, capturing as many as 20 escaped Bosons and 37 nesting Quarks in a day, and so was nicknamed 'Hyper-Tiddles' by the staff at CERN. The language used to build the Internet was named in its honour; HTML, or Hyper Tiddles Markup Language.

How the Internet Works

Diagram: How the Internet Works

The Internet is a series of tubes carrying data in the form of electric currants. Data to be sent over the internet is laid out in the sun to dry in the same way that grapes are dried out to make regular currants, however electric currents are unpleasant to eat, having a bitter, jaded taste. Once dry, data is pumped along the tubes of the internet, with ISPs regulating the flow by turning large squeaky red wheels, and diverting excess data to holding tanks called Data Centres. The NSA and GCHQ connect hoses to these pipes where they run in unlit dark corners of data centres and literally 'tap' information about what people are buying on Amazon for some reason, as they could just look at the 'Top Selling Items page'.

The ADSL modem in your home receives the electric currants, and reconstitutes them back into data using one of four chemicals stored in the modem:

  • Silver Nitrate Solution - for developing pictures of cats, etc
  • Monosodium Glutamate - added to newsfeeds to make them more palatable
  • Cornflour - adds body to textual information
  • Cyanoacrylate Adhesive - sticks data to the inside of your hard-drive

As Modems age, the input pipes can dry-out and crack, dripping electric currants on the floor and slowing data down. Rubbing the cable with a little olive oil once a month prevents this, and will keep Internet connections at full speed.