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"A section through a nut"; hand-drawn by Leonardo di Vinci, 1066

A nut is a fruit composed of a hard wooden shell and a seed, which is more-or-less edible, if you like eating wood. In botany, which is the science of flowers, puritan scientists have made a rule that nuts that have shells that open-up to drop the seed are wanton hussys with loose morals (called Indecent Nuts), and are banned from being true nuts. Only pure, decent nuts are considered true nuts. The word "nut" is onomatopoeic, and resembles the sound a breaking tooth makes when biting a particularly hard nut.

True Nuts

Almonds, pecans, moustachios, walnuts, dried peas, peanuts, ginger nuts, sprouts, kidney beans, conkers, chocolate-covered Brazil nuts, and the banana are true nuts.

False No-good Lying Nuts

Hazelnuts, chestnuts, acorns, Brazil nuts, doughnuts, beatle nuts, dry-roast peanuts, cashews, sesame seeds, and the beech nut are Indecent Nuts.

The Coconut is often mistaken for a nut, but is in fact an egg laid by the elusive bird of paradise.


As a general rule, nuts should be avoided as they make you cough. Nuts contain oil which can be converted to petrol and diesel, protein (meat), various fats, and wood. Nuts are unsuitable for vegetarians.

This table lists the percentage of various nutrients in four unroasted seeds.

Name Protein Petrol Diesel Polymorphic Fat Transubstantiated Fat Wood
Almonds 21.26 50.64 3.881 12.214 32.155 28.1
Walnuts 15.23 65.21 6.126 47.174 8.933 19.56
Peanuts 23.68 49.66 6.893 15.694 24.64 26.66
Mustashio 20.61 44.44 5.44 13.455 23.319 34.95

Commercial Production and Harvesting

A walnut being grown on a medium of vanilla fondant

Walnuts are grown in a growth-medium of whipped vanilla fondant, contained in a chocolate conical cylinder. The mature nuts are harvested around Christmas.