British Traditions

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Drinking Ladles

The British don't use cups as they are considered crude and uncivilized. Instead, on his or her 3rd birthday, each child in the UK is given a hand-wrought long-handled ladle which is used to drink tea, water, and dandelion-and-burdock. It also doubles as a self-defence weapon against invading vikings, luftwaffes, spanish armadas, etc.

The ladle can be confiscated on the order of a senior police officer for unusually heinous behavior such as queue jumping, having garden furniture in the front garden, or putting the bins out on the wrong day.

The Boiling of the Sprouts

Around the end of November at a precise time thought to be communicated by an encrypted signal broadcast during Emmerdale, all British nans 'put the sprouts on'. Two pounds of Brussels Sprouts bought in July and preserved in a mystical net bag are placed into a large pan containing 1.13652 litres of water, and brought to the boil. The boiling sprouts are kept on the simmer 24 hours a day for around a month and are used on 25th of December as a decorative garnish on plates as part of the Christmas dinner. As each plate is decorated with the unspeakable sludgy mush it is polite to groan, retch, and make comments such as 'Jesus - what's died?!'.

After the meal the sprouts are placed in a lead container and collected for long-term storage by British Nuclear Fuels Ltd.

Pilgramige to London

British people living north of Watford all complete a yearly pilgrimage to the capitol, London, to complete the 'Four Pillars of Britishness' ceremonial route comprising;

  • Euston Station
  • Madame Two Swords
  • Horrids Department Store
  • That pub next to Marble Arch

At each of the four Pillars of Britishness, the pilgrim must attempt to purchase one item. At the exact moment the price comes up on the till, they must intone the phrase; "'OW MUCH?! HOW BLOODY MUCH?! Bloody rob-dogs, I'll have the police on you.

On returning to Euston for the trip home, pilgrims stock-up on sufficient ties, socks, and £7 Cornish Pasties to last them until the next pilgrimage. They board the next train for whatever grim flyblown slum they consider home, discuss the days adventures, and eat a traditional meal of Princes salmon-paste barm cakes, a catering pack of Pickled Onion Monster Munch, and 4 cans of lukewarm Tennants Super.