British Laws

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The United Kingdom (of Britain, London, Northern Island, Scotchland, Wails and England) does not have a single legal system since that would be far too easy, and how else would all those barristers afford their wigs, batman capes, and plummy accents. It has three legal systems;

  • English law, which applies in London, Wales, but NOT England!
  • Danelaw, which applies in Northern Island and parts of Britain where trees are planted either side of the road but do not have streetlights spaced more than 30 meteres apart, and are based on the whims of the reigning Monarch.
  • Council Bylaw, which applies everywhere else, is a haphazard system based on lunatic civil-law principles (like having to locate your shed more than 1 metre from a property boundary because otherwise it's too near a public carriageway, and may startle passing drivers), with common law elements dating back to Game of Thrones Times.

The Supreme Court of the United Kingdom is the highest court in the land, being situated atop mount Snowdon, and is where the most serious crimes like Queue-jumping and TV license Offenses are tried.

The Judicial Committee of the Privet Council is the highest court of appeal for fence and hedge boundary disputes. If a neighbors' leylandii are sticking up above your fence, and you're too scared to threaten to duff him up if he doesn't trim them, the Privet Council may issue him a stern rebuke as a final resort.

Laws That Every Briton Should Know

British laws are very confusing and sometimes contradict themselves, so it can be hard to know when you're breaking the law. Generally people around you will alert you to your disgraceful behavior by tutting. For more serious crimes such as murder and sniggering at The Queen's hats, evisceration with a rusty scythe is the standard punishment. Here's a quick guide to the laws that every Briton should know:

Offence Punishment Law
Not raising your hat to a passing vicar. Administration of a dead-arm by the desk sergeant down the local nick. Rights of the Clergy Act, 1978
Failure to erect a 6x4 shed and a blue Argos trampoline within the curtilage of a dwelling-place. Imprisonment with a recommended tariff of 10-12 years. The Building and Mandatory Garden Clutter Act, 1986
Attempting to order 'Just a coffee. Oh, and a toasted ciabatta.' in a rammed pub on a match-day, with only one barman on. Imprisonment with a recommended tariff of 1-3 months. European Directive EN923; 'Rules Governing The Serving of Alcoholic Beverages to Minors, and Complex Orders to Twats'
Possession of a Toblerone with dimensions greater than a railway sleeper at one of Her Majesty's Airports. Confiscation and a fine of £20. Civil Aviation Authority Rules on 'Movement of Strategic Defense Confectionery within Airports'
Placing Ginger-Nuts in a biscuit-tin with Digestives. Community Service and mandatory City & Guilds Biscuit-handling Course. Food Safety Act 2001; Annex 21 - 'Preventing Cross-Contamination Between Ginger-Nuts and Proper Biscuits'
Affixing a postage-stamp bearing the queen's head the wrong-way-up on an envelope Death by hanging. The Posts, Telephone, and Carrier Pigeon Act, 1931
Using a single tea-bag to make two or more cups of tea. On-the-spot £1000 fine. Food Safety Act 2001; Section 1 - 'Discovery and Prevention of Teabag Crimes'
Reckless stirring, leading to annoying clinking of the spoon against the mug. Also; Causing irritation by tapping the spoon on the lip of the cup to the rhythm of 'Shave & a haircut; two bob'. Six months imprisonment Food Safety Act 2001; Section 4 - 'Conspiracy to Cause a Breach of Kitchen Etiquette'
Failure to thank the driver when leaving a bus Imprisonment with a recommended tariff of 3-5 years. Stagecoach Terms & Conditions ; Section - 'Consideration of the Feelings of the Driver'
Using the front garden for any leisure activity, or any purpose other than trimming a hedge, cutting a lawn, or displaying a 'For-Sale' sign Imprisonment with a recommended tariff of 1-2 years. Standard Property Covenants clause, The Land Registry.
Microwaving fish at a place of employment Public flogging The Shops, Offices and Railway Premises Act, 1977