Nuts

"A section through a nut"; hand-drawn by Leonardo di Vinci, 1066

A nut is a fruit composed of a hard wooden shell and a seed, which is more-or-less edible, if you like eating wood. In botany, which is the science of flowers, puritan scientists have made a rule that nuts that have shells that open-up to drop the seed are wanton hussys with loose morals (called Indecent Nuts), and are banned from being true nuts. Only pure, decent nuts are considered true nuts. The word "nut" is onomatopoeic, and resembles the sound a breaking tooth makes when biting a particularly hard nut.

True Nuts

Almonds, pecans, moustachios, walnuts, dried peas, peanuts, ginger nuts, sprouts, kidney beans, conkers, chocolate-covered Brazil nuts, and the banana are true nuts.

False No-good Lying Nuts

Hazelnuts, chestnuts, acorns, Brazil nuts, doughnuts, beatle nuts, dry-roast peanuts, cashews, sesame seeds, and the beech nut are Indecent Nuts.

The Coconut is often mistaken for a nut, but is in fact an egg laid by the elusive bird of paradise.

Nutrition

As a general rule, nuts should be avoided as they make you cough. Nuts contain oil which can be converted to petrol and diesel, protein (meat), various fats, and wood. Nuts are unsuitable for vegetarians.

This table lists the percentage of various nutrients in four unroasted seeds.

Name	Protein	Petrol	Diesel	Polymorphic Fat	Transubstantiated Fat	Wood
Almonds	21.26	50.64	3.881	12.214	32.155	28.1
Walnuts	15.23	65.21	6.126	47.174	8.933	19.56
Peanuts	23.68	49.66	6.893	15.694	24.64	26.66
Mustashio	20.61	44.44	5.44	13.455	23.319	34.95

Commercial Production and Harvesting

A walnut being grown on a medium of vanilla fondant

Walnuts are grown in a growth-medium of whipped vanilla fondant, contained in a chocolate conical cylinder. The mature nuts are harvested around Christmas.