Kebab shop

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Ordering food in a Kebab shops is governed by the Scale of Honorifics ratified at the 17th British Kebab Shop Conference held in Widnes in January 2017.

The Kebab-shop Scale of Honorifics V1.3

  • 9. Friend
  • 8. Mate
  • 7. Matey
  • 6 Skip[per]
  • 5. Boss
  • 4. Chief
  • 3. Bossman
  • 2. Guv'nor
  • 1. Emperor of the Known Universe

The proprietor will select a starting honorific based on familiarity, the social class of the customer, and how staggery they appear. If the transaction is progressing well, either party may elect to escalate the honorific, conferring additional respect and gratitude;

Initiation phase

proprietor: Allright Boss; what can I get you?

customer: Cheers Boss; large Donna with extra chili sauce please. Burp.

Negotiation phase

proprietor: Notes customer's use of please and lack of throwing-up, despite them slurring and clinging on to the counter for dear life. Decides to escalate. Want salad on that Chief?

customer: Considers that a bit of salad may have efficacious result in stopping the room from spinning. Please, Bossman. Urrrp!

Payment Phase

proprietor: That's just £4.50 all together, Chief

customer: Notes the crispy bits of donner meat, extra onion, and lashings of chili sauce. Cheers Guv!