Subatomic particles list

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Subatomic particles are a form of mythical, made-up plankton invented by embarrassed scientists who, after decades of research since the atom was split, are still unable to tell whether the light coming through a letterbox is a particle or a wave.

Size

Subatomic Particles are minute; half the size of a grain of sand. Every atom is about the size of a pea and is made up of a cluster of subatomic particles made to a specific recipe. The mixture gives the atom its flavour - such as Hydrogen-flavour (tasteless), Iron-flavour (metalicy), and Plutonium-flavour (fizzy).

Types of Subatomic particles

Scientists pretend there are two sorts of subatomic particles;

  • Quarks - can't be seen or measured but they form the body of atoms like bubbles in an Aero Bar.
  • Leptons - don't exist, but they hold Quarks together, and help lubricate quarks so they can spin round in electric motors and jiggle up-and down in speakers and headphones.

Quarks

Quarks Explained
Quark Type Description X-ray Embigginer Image
Up Quark The Up Quark or to use its full name, the Up-itself Quark thinks it's better than all of the other quarks, and takes every opportunity to take them down an energy level or two. They can be detected around the hand-dryers in the bathrooms of night-clubs where 'D' list celebs and footballers are believed to frequent, and the dashboards of 10-year-old bottom-of-the-range BMW 3 series cars that have been de-tagged and had a cheap private registration plate fitted in the vain hope that the neighbors will think it's newer than it is.
Photograph of an Up quark
Down Quark The down quark doesn't react with other subatomic particles, often staying in its bedroom with the curtains drawn listening to Leonard Cohen and The Smiths.
Photograph of a Down quark
Charm Quark The Charm quark attracts other quarks, and even the odd Quark-curious Lepton. In any image track snapped by the ATLAS detectors, the Charm Quark is always in-shot looking photogenic with its arms round a Top Quark or two.
Photograph of a Charm quark
Strange Quark The Strange Quark is not like the other Quarks, hanging about on the outer energy-bands, listening to Cradle of Filth and pretending to know all about Dark Matter, but refusing to talk about it.
Photograph of a Strange quark
Top Quark Top quarks are always arranging for the other quarks to meet-up, and are always first to buy a round of quantum-foam, tell quark jokes, and known for generally being the life-and-soul of quark life. Down and Strange quarks can only react with other quarks in the presence of a Top quark, and only then after three pints of strong quantum foam. If another quark becomes disorientated, the Top quark will call a taxi, get them home, put them to bed, and will even do any unwashed dishes in the sink before returning to the party.
Photograph of a Top Quark
Bottom Quark Bottom Quarks spontaneously generate in the lower intestine after a curry and three pints of larger. They are short-lived, emitting a noxious gas composed of complex hydrocarbons including benzines, a whiff of sliced ham, and eggy sprouts.
Photograph of a Bottom quark

Leptons

Leptons are very shoddily constructed (they can most easily be detected around pound-shops, and the remainder bin in Maplins). 1 in 2 Leptons come with their subatomic battery inserted the wrong way round. Instead of just flipping the battery round, scientists are so bone idle that, rather than fix them, they merely refer to the broken ones as 'the neutrino version' so they can ignore them, preferring instead to spend their time perfecting redstone machines in Minecraft, playing in bands, and arranging pens in the top pocket of their white lab-coats. The word 'Neutrino' is ancient Greek for 'Error: Insert Other-Way-Up!'

Lepton Structure

Leptons are thought by scientists to have no known structure. Well, if they've never seen one, how do they know? Shittipedia.com set up a research project to create the worlds first true images of the complete Lepton family. Scientists at Rhyl University produced these images by looking at the anode of a battery with a laboratory-grade Stanley Gibbons magnifying glass.

Leptons Explained
Lepton Type Description Image
Electron The Electron resembles a hyperactive octopus with tentacles that zap like a miniature electric eel, but can also stick like velcro. Plus they're sometimes magnetic. And they can make radio waves. It's all very complicated really, and best not thought about too much.

The Electron's speed approaches the speed of light (Symbol 'Sea') which is 1000 Mph (2000Km/s). The Electron can never achieve the speed of light because of Albert Heinstein's Special Relativity which states that if we observe something, the thing observed has to bend in order to enter our eyeballs. By the time the electron has bounced around the eyeball and ricocheted out again to set off on its original course, it's been delayed by a couple of seconds and can never catch-up.

Electrons appear to rush along copper wires when a battery is connected. This movement is used by semiconductors to do useful work like making the microwave beep, and your bedside clock flash "12:00" after there has been a power-cut. Semiconductors contain small paddle-wheels that rotate as the electric current rushes over them. If you cut open the lid of a transistor you will see the tiny paddle-wheel inside its protective metal case. However scientists assert that it is not the Electrons themselves that move. Apparently we're meant to believe the electrons are eternally attending a microscopic barn-dance, dancing with non-existent holes and swapping partners frequently. As a consequence, it's the holes that do the moving, not the electrons. So why don't Malplin sell 'hole-onics' then? Why don't we all get massively overpriced hole-icity-bills from the Hole-icity Board? Answer that, so-called scientists.

Electron.png
Electron Neutrino The Electron Neutrino is an electron that's wired-up backwards, so Electron Neutrinos generate darkness when a light-switch is turned off, and make warm things cooler in refrigerators. Electronneutrino.png
Muon The muon is an alimentary particle similar to the electron, only with half the spin, and with a much greater mass (105.7 MeV/c2). This is because Muons tend to cluster in the mains-plugs of deep-fat fryers, toasters, and pizza ovens, and the carbohydrates and fat make them slow and overweight. Muon.png
Muon Neutrino The Muon Neutrino is simply a Muon with a flat battery. Muonneutrino.png
Tao The Tao is a clingy, needy subatomic particle that forces Muons and Electrons together long after they should have moved-on. Tao.png
Tao Neutrino The Tao Neutrino is known as "The last of the leptons", because it helped three trappers protect a British Colonel's daughters in the midst of the French and Indian War. The first was discovered improbably in a doughnut being eaten by it's discoverer Martin Lewis Perl in the Fermilab canteen. Martin sneezed with a mouthful of doughnut, splattering doughnutty detritus all over the table. Fortuitously, an ill-mannered student was tinkering with a Radio-Shack Tao Neutrino detector at the dining table, and a dribbly morsel of doughnut containing the Tao Neutrino landed on the sensor. Taoneutrino.png