Santa Claus

From ShittiPedia
Jump to: navigation, search

Santa Claus

Santa Claus (born Nicholas of Nazareth), also known as Santa, Father Christmas, St Nicholas, Sinterklaaus, and Kris Kringle was a co-owner of the carpentry business "Nazareth Joinery Solutions" with Joseph of Nazareth, later Saint Joseph, the husband of Mary, the mother of Jesus.
Santa Claus, then known as Nick of Nazareth, working at his Crib Emporium

Links with Jesus

During the birth of the Baby Jesus, Santa Claus volunteered to build the manger that the Baby Jesus was laid-on, as Joseph was busy boiling towels and pacing up-and-down in the stable waiting-room.

Following the birth of the Son of God, Santa Claus was inundated with requests for 'Baby Jesus Mangers' from furniture stalls all over Judea. He set-up a string of workshops all over the holy-lands and as Christianity spread north, he opened "Nick of Nazareth Baby Jesus Manger Emporiums" throughout the known world.

Later life

Following the invention of the cot in A.D.21, the trend of placing new-borns in cattle-feeding equipment waned, and Santa Claus (then known as Nick) moved to head-up his North Pole carpentry franchise which had recently diversified into wooden toy manufacture, and faster-than-light worldwide logistics using flying reindeer. After the sack of Rome in 1066, the invading Vandals and Goths forced all Christians to forgo the established week-long drunken feast to celebrate the birth of Jesus, and replaced it with an austere one-day celebration, with the giving of unimaginative wooden toys to children as gifts, compulsory sprout-eating, and falling asleep to 3-hour long Morality Plays featuring St. Sean of Connery.

Santa's Grotto

Santa's North Pole G.R.O.T.T.O (Greenland Rapid Orbit Toy Transportation Organisation) won the franchise for the first years delivery of toys including 500 Million pull-along ducks, and a billion cup-and-ball sets.

In A.D.37, Santa Claus was investigated by the Spanish Inquisition as it appeared the contract for the supply of Christmas gifts has not been been properly tendered for, but no charges were brought, and the case was dropped. The following Christmas, Horatio Lopez the Head of The Inquisition was himself investigated for receiving back-handers after his son bragged of receiving an early wooden Playstation AND and a carved plywood Xbox for Christmas. This investigation was dropped after Horatio was found dead a week later from an overdose of Ferrero-Rochers.