Biscuits

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History

Biscuits were invented in Britain in 1066. King Alfred was asked by his wife (Queen Alfred) to keep his eye on some cakes she was cooking while she nipped down to the corner shop for tea-bags. She was longer than expected because tea had not been invented at that time, so there was a great deal of confusion. She returned with the nearest alternative; a flagon of Friar Carlsburg's Special Export Strength Mead to discover King Alfred had fallen asleep while watching the premiership jousting, and the cakes were burned.

To recover from the right-regal telling off he got, Alfred drank the mead and immediately got the munchies. He scraped the burned bits that remained of the now rock-hard cakes, and ate them anyway. He ate so many that he developed tummy ache and a runny bottom, and filled up two chamber-pots in quick succession. The burned cakes were named 'Bi-Squits' or 'two runny poos' in modern parlance, in consequence.

Biscuit Culture

The United Kingdom is the foremost biscuit-based culture in the world. By the time they reach their 60th birthday, the average Briton will have eaten more than 20 biscuits.

Biscuits in Medicine

A report in the influential journal of medicine 'The Lancelot' describes the results of a 20 year international meta-study of the efficacy of biscuits in clinical practice. Digestives, in addition to their beneficial effect on the digestion, were discovered to be the Interferon of biscuits, curing clinical shock, concussion, broken bones, asthma, dicky-tummies, bad legs, gozzy-eyes, bow legs, cancer, gunshot wounds, grazed knees and skinned knuckles. Fig rolls were cited for their anti-constipational qualities.

A guide to the Appropriate Use and Strategic Deployment of Biscuits

There are subtle rules defining the circumstances in which particular biscuits can be eaten, and a mistake can cause the transgressor to be shunned, duffed-up in the car-park after work, or ejected from the tea-club.

A guide to the Appropriate Use and Strategic Deployment of Biscuits

There are two categories of biscuits that should never be attempted by a biscuit novice; those that require special training, and illegal unlicensed biscuits that mock the very fabric of civilisation.

Forbidden biscuits