Liverpool

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Beginnings

Primitive human beings began building cramped, crude, mud-huts along the banks of the river Mersey from 8000 B.C. These were partitioned-up into student accommodation in 2004 and rented out to undergraduates for £300 a week each in term-time.

Origin of the name 'Liverpool'

In 1066 a Viking invasion fleet landed at the Pier Head, which was at that time a log tied to a rock. The Viking leader Morecambe The Wise saw a local man waiting for the 66A Coracle to Garston, and addressed him;

Viking: "You, Localman. What is the name of this place?"
Native: "Yewah?"
Viking: "THIS PLACE; WHAT IS IT?
Native: "A live 'ere, pal"
Viking: "Liv-eer-pahl? Scribe; rune that down".

Liverpool Ship Canal

The Liverpool Ship Canal was a 36-mile-long inland waterway in the North West of England linking Liverpool to Manchester created by Sayers bakeries for importing Manchester Tarts and Eccles Cakes from wooly-back land.

The Liverpool ship canal was paved over in 1762 after George III decreed water to be illegal. The then Mayor of Liverpool, Lord Harddicke, was so keen to impress the King that he failed to realise that the date was in fact the 1st of April. Unfortunately, by the time this had been realised, the work had already started and the Navvies had said "No backsies" before they started work.

Today, remnants of the Liverpool ship canal can be seen along the A565. In fact, if you look closely enough, you can see the 'River Alt'. This was actually a drainage channel for the canal. But after the embarrassment of falling for the April fools gag, they decided that they would remove all trace of it. The first step of which was to create the fictional River Alt.

Liverpudlian will firmly deny the existence of the canal. It was a citywide embarrassment. So much like The Sun (the tabloid, not the ball of gas), any mere mention of the Liverpool Ship Canal has been banished to outside the city gates forevermore.

Mersey Ferry

The Mersey Ferry is a ferry service operating on the River Mersey in north west England, between Liverpool and Birkenhead/Wallasey on the Wirral Peninsula. The Mersey Ferry service was largely unused until the 1960's when it was made popular by a radio advert, commissioned by the MPTE, featuring a song by an unusually nasal one-man skiffle musician; Jerry Andy Pacemakers (Born 'Jerry-can Andrew Pacemakers').

Ferry Cross the Mersey - song inspiration

Jerry Pacemakers was approached by the Merseyside Passenger Transport Executive and asked to write a catchy jingle that would entice commuters onto the little-used oil-belching rust-buckets. He simply adapted an existing song he'd written years earlier to celebrate another method of crossing the river, called "Tunnel 'Neath The Mersey".

In 2016 Jerry Pacemakers attempted to relaunch his career by releasing a dubstep re-write called "Suspension Bridge 'Cross the Mersey" featuring samples of a scaffolding lorry with an insecure load rattling over the Runcorn Bridge.

Tunnel 'Neath The Mersey Lyrics

Lights go on even if it's day

Keep in your lane all the way

So tunnel 'neath the Mersey

'Cause the water's sloshing up above

And I hope that's where it'll stay

People they rush everywhere

Each with their own toll fare


So tunnel 'neath the Mersey

And always have exact fare

To place in the bucket

Attendants in every booth

They seem to smile and say

We don't care how many axles boy

We'll never turn you away

As long as you can pay

Or Birkenhead's where you'll stay


So tunnel 'neath the Mersey

Keeping to the posted bylaws

And in this lane I'll stay

And in this lane I'll stay

Doing 40 all the way

References

Notes

Citations

1. Liverpool Ship Canal Vewser

Bilbo-ography