Henry the eighth

From ShittiPedia
Jump to: navigation, search

Henry the Eighth was the British monarch between 1066 and 1642.

He was known as The Eighth because had eight wives.

Wives

  • Katherine the Arrogant
  • Amber Lynn
  • Anna Cleavage
  • Jane Seymour-Clearly
  • Katherine Park
  • Catherine Howard-Sway
  • Kylie-Chanterelle McO'Dougal
  • Sharon of Doncaster
Joseph Argos's Illustrated Manuscript of Dreams, 1066 edition

Henry married all eight in a single ceremony at Westminster Registry Office in order to refill the treasury through the dowrys provided by the bride's parents. Unfortunately, Josiah Argos had just opened his first catalogue store in Cheapside,called Joseph Argos's Illustrated Manuscript of Dreams and it instantly became popular as a source of cheap household tat to replace cash gifts.

Henry was expecting gifts of foreign lands and titles, and chests overflowing with gold and crowns and those things like a ballcock with a cross on top. He was furious when instead he received five identical pop-up griddles, a set of non-stick turnip skewers, a Black & Decker drill stand, and a novelty door mat with "Hie Thee To A Nunnery!" inscribed thereon.

He sent his prime minister Thomas O'Becket to return them for a refund, only to discover that the sale of goods act protecting his consumer rights wouldn't be written for another 900 years, and without receipts, he was stuffed.

He passed a death sentence on Josiah Argos, and sent an executioner round to the Cheapside store to behead him, only to find the store was closed for a bank holiday.

Henry flew into a series of eight increasingly malevolent rages, culminating in a decision to punish the monks who had colluded with Argos in producing the in-store illustrated manuscripts.

Dissolution

A crack team of Dissoluters was hurriedly dispatched to dissolute all the monasteries. Henry wasn't the sharpest knife in the draw, and was under the impression that dissolution meant 'stealing all the gold cups and Jesuses-On-Crosses'. He was downhearted when he learned it meant 'taking the roof off, knocking some walls down and building a visitors centre, cafe, and gift shop and handing the lot over to English Heritage, gratis.

He petulantly divorced all his wives the next day, and began binge-eating.

Death

So great was Henry the Eighths appetite, that at the time of his death from indigestion, stores of food throughout the country had fallen to zero.

The chancellor Bradford N. Bingley called for an audit 'Of all foode-stuff in ye countrie, even mouldy and maggotty grayne, Ryvitas, Eat-Me dates, and unused sachets of Beanfeast.' The only food remaining in London was gathered into the Tower of London and comprised: 'seventy barrels of Kendal Mint cake that hath spoiled and gone softe, and a thousand sackes of Bournville-extra-darke chocolate'. The royal cook Mary of Bury used the royal mangle to roll the mint cake to a thickness of 1 micron, covered it in a thin sheet of dark chocolate, and cut the large sheets into one inch squares. These were distributed to the poor and needy and became known as After-Eighth Mints. ,

After Eighth Mints