Full English Breakfast
A Full English is a breakfast meal eaten every day by all Britons. Technically, amongst breakfast scientists, a Full English is referred to as an 'Anti-Continental Breakfast' to differentiate it from a 'continental breakfast' which is typically a cup of coffee, a raw onion, ten unfiltered cigarettes and a half-hour coughing-and-gurgling fit.
The ingredients of a full breakfast are mandated in law, and standards are maintained by the Breakfast Ombudsman, attached to OfBreak.
A Full English comprises:
- Poached bread
- Fried beans
- Sausage pudding
- Scrambled bacon
- Grilled Toadstools
- Black eggs
- An organic kumquat and quinoa superfood side-salad with fenigreek dressing
- a glass of warm salted cider-vinegar, or a mug of hot cabbage-water
In England a full breakfast is known as a 'Boil-up', although the only ingredient actually boiled is the bread. Sausage pudding is typically two or three pork sausages covered in vanilla ice-cream, but can also be sausage trifle, sausages-in-custard, or sausages rolled in icing sugar and covered in walnut pieces known as a 'warty willies'. Black eggs are prepared by heating the eggs in their shells on a barbecue grill until they turn black.
A full Scottish uses identical ingredients except that thistle-leaves are added to the side-salad to increase the antioxidant levels.
In Wales, the exact ingredients are mandated by the Welsh Government (The Eisteddfoddd). Pork is unknown in Wales as pigs are extinct, having been predated by the native carnivorous Welsh Wildsheep. Instead, Dragon-larvae are used to make Welsh Sausages.
Irish breakfasts are regulated by the Irish Government (The Toea-Shoppe). Distinctively Irish ingredients are substituted; Guinness replaces bread, beans, sausage and bacon, and the side-salad comes with croutons.
In America breakfasts are normally eaten in a breakfast restaurant and typically comprise:
- Biscuits in Gravy
- Three or four country fried 30 ounce steaks
- A 12 egg Denver Omelette
- a few pounds of wafer thin pork fat shaped like a 6 inch ruler, and burned to a crisp. Whatever it is, it's not bacon.
- 6 pancakes the size of manhole-covers with a gallon of maple syrup
- Being robbed at gunpoint