Full english

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Full English Breakfast

A full breakfast is a breakfast meal eaten every day by all Britons. There are regional differences, however it is colloquially known as an 'Anti-Continental Breakfast' to differentiate it from a 'continental breakfast' which is typically a cup of coffee, a raw onion, ten unfiltered Gitanes and a half-hour coughing-and-gurgling fit.

The ingredients of a full breakfast are mandated in law, and standards are maintained by the Breakfast Ombudsman, attached to OfBreak - the government body responsible for full-breakfast in England.

Full English

A Full English comprises:

  • Poached bread
  • Fried beans
  • Sausage pudding
  • Scrambled bacon
  • Grilled Toadstools
  • Black eggs
  • An organic kumquat and quinoa superfood side-salad with fenigreek dressing
  • a glass of warm salted cider-vinegar, or a mug of hot cabbage-water

In England a full breakfast is known as a 'Boil-up', although the only ingredient actually boiled is the bread. Sausage pudding is typically two or three pork sausages covered in vanilla ice-cream, but can also be sausage trifle, sausages-in-custard, or sausages rolled in icing sugar and covered in walnut pieces known as a 'warty willies'. Black eggs are prepared by heating the eggs in their shells on a barbecue grill until they turn black.

Full Scottish

A full Scottish uses identical ingredients except that thistle-leaves are added to the side-salad to increase the antioxidant levels.

Full Welsh

In Wales, the exact ingredients are mandated by the Welsh Government (The Eisteddfoddd). Pork is unknown in Wales as pigs are extinct, having been predated by the native Welsh Wildsheep. Dragon-larvae are used instead to make Welsh Sausages.

Full Irish

Irish breakfasts are regulated by the Irish Government (The Toea-Shoppe). Distinctively Irish ingredients are substituted; Guinness replaces bread, beans, sausage and bacon, and the side-salad comes with croutons.